When There’s Silence…

You hear your thoughts loud and clear…

It’s 1:45AM this side of the world and I’m on my second cup mug of freshly brewed coffee. I know I should be taking it easy so I can sleep in a few hours but then I needed something to do besides doing the laundry. I’ll do that tomorrow, I guess.

My mind has been cluttered with a lot of things lately it is really hard to concentrate. Music can no longer drown out the thoughts that slowly trickles through my consciousness. So, I might as well give it time and go through it one by one. But I am not going to post that in this blog. Not just yet. Not when I still don’t know what to do with it.

Going all those thoughts, it seems that I have a lot of worries, a lot of things to be anxious about, a lot of things that I really long for but seem to be always short of my reach. You know that quote from the movie “A Knight’s Tale”? It goes like this: you’ve been weighed, you’ve been measured, and you have been found wanting. I think I have been setting very high standards for myself that it has become too unrealistic and I have found myself wanting. I want more but I end up with less. Something to that effect.

There just comes a point in life when you just want to drop everything and make your own fort out of blankets and hide there forever with a flashlight and pretend that nobody knows where you are. It’s hard being a grown up. Haha! There are also times when I want to reset my life. Live it a bit different to have a different outcome. And there are those times when I just want to take my brains out and leave it on the sink with the water running so it will wash out those things that needs to be washed off. LOL!

Yeah, yeah, I know. We all have those things that we need to change and we all have those what if moments that we can no longer take back. Probably one of the reasons that I have a lot of things running in my head a mile a minute.

Anyway, going back. January is almost at its end. In a few days, the next month begins. And until now, I haven’t really thought of the goals that I want to achieve for this year. I cannot really say that being busy at work is the reason why I haven’t given it much thought. It’s more like the questions, questions rather: “what now?”, “where to go from here?”

I’m stuck. Going back to the drawing board, starting from scratch, the tip of the pen just a little bit over the drawing paper but hesitant to even put a single dot. Why?  Because I don’t know where to put that small dot on the large piece of drawing paper, that’s why. Seriously, I am already 32 years old and yet I am having the problems of a 20-year old trying to decide where she wants her life to go. A bit frustrating to say the least.

And yes, I know I am babbling. Again. Oh well.

Okay, seriously, getting back to the topic at hand. Since I live alone (well, during weekdays, that is), I come home to an empty house with only the television turned on for a little bit of noise. But again, it is not enough to down out the thoughts that have been trying to get out. I worry about a lot of things and, being the control-freak that I am, I feel that everything is already out of my control. It leaves me clueless as to what I need to do or need to resolve first.

Sometimes I really think that I need to give up trying to control a lot of things and start taking things as they come. How do you do that exactly? One thing that I can probably ask myself after somehow entertaining thoughts in my head is that “how do I want to live my life from now on?”

With all these things running in my head, both coherent and incoherent, logical and illogical, what ifs and what will be’s, I have been reminded of a Bible verse that I have learned when I was a kid:

Cast your cares on the Lord

and he will sustain you;

he will never let

the righteous be shaken.

Psalm 55:22

At the end of the day, when there’s silence, you hear your thoughts loud and clear, and at the same time, if you listen closer, you can hear God’s voice saying that we just have to trust Him and to believe that He knows what’s best for us. We just have to believe and claim His promises. And as a reminder, here’s a song that well describes what I am trying to sum up here.

Yes, we need to cast our cares on Him.

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