Midnight Musings: Reminiscing the Past…

… to know what’s wrong with the present…

For quite sometime now, I have felt like I am floating or falling into an abyss. Or maybe I am hanging somewhere. And I am reminded of a song from way back then… Somewhere in Between by Lifehouse. And the line on the song goes like this “I’m somewhere in between what is real and just a dream”…

I don’t know. I’ve been thinking quite a lot for the past few weeks. About the past, about the present, about the future. And I think that some things need to change. I just don’t know what.

I was talking to a colleague earlier and it has just dawned on me the reason why I think I am already stagnant in my growth, professionally and partly personally. And one thing stood out clearly from going through past blog posts (from another lifetime it seems) and past chat sessions with friends. Sometimes I even wonder what I was really like 5 years ago. The posts I wrote and the chat conversations I’ve had felt like they were all written by a different person. Some of the things I’ve wrote back then had me wanting to slap myself and say, “what the hell were you thinking back then?” LOL!

One thing stood out, though. I have lost the recklessness that I’ve had when I was younger. At the same time, I’ve lost the creativity (or whatever creativity I think I had back then) in doing things. I no longer blog the way I did before. If my Multiply account was still alive, it would be so nice to read my old posts – opnionated, quite honest point of views of things that caught my attention. Now, I can’t even sit down and write down a post worth reading and commenting on. Sheesh!

In my professional life, I have been to three companies. First was an IT school, then a BPO company and now, a supply chain. The first company was basically a training ground for me. Something experimental for me to gauge if I could really work in a corporate setting. The second one was where I started to grow professionally. The third one, well, it’s the longest industry that I have been in. 9 years going 10 by end of this year.

One of the realizations that I’ve had was this. During my stint with a BPO company, I went through 3 major experiences (for the lack of better term, really):

  1. I was bended until I broke then I was re-built into something stronger. I had to unlearn the things I knew so I can learn new things which I did.
  2. Someone held me accountable for my actions and reminded me that everything I do will have a ripple effect within the team.
  3. I was challenged to become better by pushing me to go past my so-called limits.

When I left the company, I felt stronger and more confident. Then I entered the company I am with up to this day. And here is what I realized:

  1. I received a lot of criticisms but received no proper mentoring. I was not bended until I broke and I was not re-built to become stronger then ever. I incorporated previous learnings into new learnings and learned how to be creative in doing things the way I see fit. It was a trial and error on my end. And during the early years, I looked up to a handful of people at work that would be my role models and pegged them to be my goal as a working professional.
  2. Overtime, I feel that nobody holds me accountable for what I do. I tend to do things I want and if I don’t do things exactly how I was told, I don’t get the kind of berating that I got previously. I have learned to be independent and be accountable for my own actions. At the end of the day, I can’t feel any proper guidance for me to grow.
  3. After 9 years, I no longer feel challenged. Well, there are times that my curiosity gets piqued and I feel challenged but after a while, I start to procrastinate until I am no longer interested and go back to old, boring routine.
  4. Appreciation goes a long way. Recognition goes a long way. Motivation goes a long way. I don’t need public announcements that I did good at something. A simple heartfelt “thank you” or “good job” or even a simple pat on the back just to acknowledge that I have done something right is enough for me. For a few years now, I just realized that I haven’t felt appreciated. All I got were criticisms. And hearing one negative feedback after another have worn me out.

At the end of the day, I realized that I am no longer creative as I used to be. I am no longer motivated as I used to be. I am doing things by routine. I wake up, go to work, come home, stare at the ceiling, sleep. And then it goes on until end of work week. Then I go home to my son, be a Mom somehow, try to get some rest, then come back and prepare for the next work week. So routinary. So boring.

I need to change my routine somehow. I need a paradigm shift. But a few questions that I have been asking myself lately are:

  1. What do I want to do?
  2. What do I need to change?
  3. How do I change?
  4. What will make me happy?
  5. How do I get back part of my used-to-be ideal self where I see the world with a glint in the eye, ready to challenge whatever that will come my way?

*sigh* I think I am getting old. Or maybe I have already lost myself along the way and it is just now that I realized that I have been losing myself. And so I guess this was the reason why I have been digging around old skeletons lately. I need to find myself again.

Oh well….

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