All About Z…

I have been going through Z’s photos that I’ve posted in Facebook and the photos that I was able to recover and I couldn’t just help but think every single time that time has been going by so fast. It only seems like yesterday (or probably a week ago, if you may) when I was rubbing my swollen tummy trying to wake him up so I could feel him kick and let me know that he’s listening to my babbles.

In what seems like a blink of an eye, my swollen, very pregnant tummy became flat once again, and my little big baby is now turning 2 in about three months. I could still remember the first time that I was able to hold him and breastfeed him. It was as if everybody in the room vanished and it was just the two of us bonding in our very own little world.


It’s still fresh in my memory those times when we had to visit doctors upon doctors upon doctors to ensure that my little boy’s health is A-OK and I could still remember those times that I’ve cried buckets of tears because of all the wrong things I thought I’ve done to cause my son such misery during his first weeks and months of life.

the time when he almost crawled during his first week of life
the time when he almost crawled during his first week of life
2nd confinement. out of tube feeding and start of bottle feeding
2nd confinement. out of tube feeding and start of bottle feeding

I can still remember the first time that I woke up beside my baby at home and I just couldn’t stop gazing at him, wondering how I was blessed with such a beautiful baby boy. He was so precious that I didn’t think I deserved him and yet I was chosen to be his Mom and with just that fact, I was humbled. I still remember those times when I try to keep myself awake just to watch my son’s face, hoping that he will show a glimpse of his elusive smiles.

It was as if it was just last night when I let him sleep cuddled on my chest, stroking his head and back in a soothing manner, hoping that he will know that I will always be there to comfort him.

2013-09-12 08.40.17



It seems like it was just yesterday when he started to babble himself, trying out different sounds, familiarizing himself with his own voice. It is still fresh in my memories all those firsts that I was able to witness. The first time he attempted to roll over on the bed, the first time he was able to completely roll over, the first antics he learned, the first laugh.

A lot of those firsts were never captured in a photo but they will forever be in my memories and deeply embedded in my heart.

For the past 21 months, I have been juggling my schedules to ensure that I get to spend as much time as possible with my son and try to make memories with him within the allotted short period of time that we get to spend together. It has been a struggle but looking back, if I have to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, probably a thing or two here and there but in general, if I have to go through hell and back again for my son, I will go through it. As long as I know that my son will be happy and well, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to ensure that.

Being a first time mom to a special needs son has a lot of challenges but I am so grateful to have been chosen to become the mom of this little big boy I call my son. He has brought so much joy in my life and regardless of his diagnosis, he is in no way too much different from any other typical toddler his age. He is well on his way to the road of discovery and learning and even if he may take his time doing it, I know that he will learn a whole lot more that what I could imagine and he will be teaching a whole more to all the people around him.

Little Z is more than special. He is the love of my life, my heart and my soul. And I do know that I have a lot of shortcomings in the motherhood department, I hope that one day, he will see me as the greatest mom he could ever have. Someone he could be proud of.


To my  Little Z:

I may not have seen a lot more of your firsts but always know that I am so proud of you. You have taught me a lot of things ever since you arrived in my life. You have made my life fuller and I always, always look forward to the days that I get to spend with you. You are growing up so fast and I am having a hard time trying to keep up with all your milestones but always know that I am cheering for you even if I am miles away from you on most days. You are always on my mind and you are now the sole inspiration that keeps me pushing myself to work harder to ensure that you will have a brighter future. You are the inspiration that keeps me pushing myself to become better in all things.

Above all, sweetheart, I love you with all of my heart and I will never, ever trade you for anything or anyone else in this world. I will forever be your number 1 fan so always expect that I will be on the sidelines cheering you on.

Don’t grow up so fast, though, baby love. I think I am not yet that ready. 🙂

Mommy loves you so much. Always remember that.


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