This is a rant of a mother who just got her heart broken. Not for the faint-hearted. Consider yourselves warned.
I am not yet ready to really divulge all the details that happened. But this is how I feel at this point in time.
I think I just hit my lowest of lows in this lifetime. A point where I don’t know where to start again. My heart was just totally shattered to pieces. My spirit broken. My resolve gone. I just have one question: why? Why all these? Why me? Why now?
Have I been really such that bad person that everything fell on my son? Is that my karma? Because my son is my strength and at the same time my weakness, he became the target? I don’t understand.
I used to believe that you declare to the universe what you want in life and the universe will align for you to have what you want. I used to believe that if you declare it often enough that everything will come true. True enough, I used to declare that I will have a kid. Now I have my son. My precious beloved son.
But why is it that when I claimed that he will be healthy and well during the whole course of my pregnancy, he was diagnosed for a lot of things?
Was it a joke all along? Has life been playing a one big, effing cruel joke and thought to play the joke on me? Because I’m not laughing.
I had hope. And I hoped for a long time that my son will be healthy and well and with no further problems. They said that when you have faith the size of a pea, it can move mountains. I had hope. I had faith. But where did that get me? Why still end up that way?
Just because everybody believes that I am strong enough to handle it that this will be dished out to me? I mean, seriously??? It doesn’t seem fair. No, it is not fair. Has my son not suffered enough for the first four months of his life that this has been given to him? I love my son regardless but really, does he have to go through all of these just to punish me for whatever big mistakes I’ve ever done??? Why not me? Why involve the innocent kid who didn’t do anything wrong?
Everybody wants me to hope for the best and that everything will be fine. Really? Hope? My last strand of hope has just been smashed to smithereens when I got that one page of a report. I had hoped that everything will turn out fine. That the doctors are wrong. That my faith is strong enough and my belief in the power of claiming things will turn the results all fine.
But… Nothing. Is. Fine. It. Is. Not. OK.
My faith, my hope… gone. I question. I don’t understand. You tell me that there is a reason for all of these? What? What can be such a very good reason to go through these? Somebody make me understand. Because I don’t get it. Not one bit.
And then someone dared tell me to hope. Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me? My hope has just been shattered and yet you still want me to hope? For what? For it to be shattered all over again? Have faith? In what? Tell me.
I just want to understand. Make me understand why I have to go through this. Why my son have to suffer. Why not make me suffer the consequences of all of my stupidity and mistakes?
Have I been aiming too high? Maybe because I was asking for a little bit of perfection in my life that someone thought was too arrogant for me to ask so this is what I get? Is it because this is what I deserve? Don’t I deserve a little happy ending to an old life and a happy beginning to a new one?
I don’t dare hope anymore. I’d rather not take another leap of faith. I’ll just take life one day at a time. See where it goes…. For now, I guess I’ll just resign myself to my own and my son’s fate.
This is Neva. I was where you were a year ago. Grieve, cry, be angry. Feel all the emotions that you need to feel. Process whatever it is that you need to process. I left my email address in your comment box. I will listen to you when you’re ready to talk.
If there’s one thing that I want you to know is that you are not alone in this.
Hugs to you momma 🙂